Mid-morning funny

A mid-morning laugh – to break up the monotony of a normal Tuesday ;)… the following is an excerpt from an actual letter to a Mrs Murray of Oxford about her husband:

 

To ____,

While we appreciate custom in all shapes and forms we are considering banning _____ in light of his antics this morning. All incidents have been verified by security cameras and a list follows below:

1) Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.

2) Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at five-minute intervals.

3) Made a trail of tomato juice leading to feminine products aisle.

4) Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3” in House-wares . . . and watched what happened.

5) Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

6) Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7) When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

8) While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House-wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

9) Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

10) In the kitchen-ware aisle, practised the “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

11) Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

12) When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again.”

13) Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; the yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here.”

Yours sincerely

Store Manager.

[c/o https://m.fanfiction.net/s/3633175/1/Late]

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